Naked

 

The Naked Truth

Being naked is a Glastonbury tradition and an easy and natural choice for any deodorant-free Glastafarian without clean clothes. It’s ideal both for strolling around the muddy Pilton Pop Festival  or just shopping for crystals around town. It’s also a very definite sign that someone is completely at ease with their body, having completely stripped away the patriarchal construct that nakedness always has to be in some way connected to sex.

The Glastonbury Hug

Hugging has been used for millennia across the world as a greeting, a farewell or affirmation between loved ones as well as providing comfort and being a social easing tool. Whether it’s a three second café cheek to cheek, a mutual shoulder grasp, an art gallery air hug or an uncomfortable back slap, hugging can be redesigned at will to fit any situation.

Glastonbury and the Glastafarians

 Welcome to the Isle of Avalon.

In June, after every, nearly yearly Glastonbury festival, hundreds of tired, muddied and substance-modified teenagers appear on the benches of Glastonbury high street, wearing their festival hats, ready for the next open-ended summer adventure.

Meanwhile, the Glastafarians, with their non-festival hats, sit sagely outside the many cafés, talking about energy, organic food and UFOs, living the dream. Watching them from a distance, as they sip on herbal tea and chain-smoke cigarettes, their lives look perfect.

New Age in the Dark

For most of us, perfect health, spiritual enlightenment and manifesting money are the most obvious reasons to use crystals- it’s no wonder that every Glastonbury New Ager resonates so deeply with the shiny gems. But every now and again, even the purest of light-filled beings can find themselves betrayed by their still human bladder and are forced out of their sleep at three in the morning, desperate for a pee. For those people, here is a helpful guide.

The Myths of Avalon

Arthur. His name still rings out clear and true across the Somerset Levels, like the sound effect slide of a sword from a stone. A noble and kind king, he ruled Wales, Cornwall, Somerset, North Cadbury, the whole of England or somewhere, anyway, for a pretty long time, way back when dragons roamed the woods and there weren’t any motorways.

Reiki Killer

A Portrait of Bert Kwa

 

This article contains descriptions of Reiki and imagery that some may find disturbing.

In all the years since Reiki was rediscovered, it has only ever got really out of hands once, on that island energy hot-spot we all know as Hawaii.

Bert Kwa, the infamous Reiki Killer, was, up until recently, the only serial killer ever to have emerged out of Hawaii. A Wild Energy Embodier, Master of Multiple Modalities, he briefly held the mystical state of Reiki 4, coming into his power without training at the age of twenty three. Tragically, Reiki 4 chose to manifest in a sociopath, ill-suited to using such a precious gift for good.

Dowsing for Ley Lines

Taking the Michael Line

First discovered by Alfred Watkins, a map, a pencil and a ruler, ley-lines started off as a very simple idea.

Alfred realised that if you drew a line on a map from a church, for example, to a high hill or stone circle, this would connect the two. Being that the shortest distance between two points is usually a straight line, he surmised that people might have travelled between those sticky-up landmarks in straight lines too, on what he called old straight tracks. Occasionally, three or four landmarks kind of roughly lined up, which proved Watkins theory to be true.

The Miracle of Homeopathy

Glastonbury’s favourite medical intervention and cure-all is, amazingly, a tiny sugar pill. You’re not allowed to touch them except with your mouth and mint kills the magic. They call it Homeopathy.

Traditional Homeopathy is based on the German premise that the less there is of something, the more potent it is. No-one knows why. 

All Flesh is Grass- Veganism in Glastonbury

 

“You’re no better than Hitler, you lot. It’s not natural. Get a life. It’s people like you that cause all the wars. Vegetables scream when you pull them up so that makes you a murderer. Oh, poor little plant…

Have a burger, hur hur hur…“*

 

Vegans exist in a thin and exhausted scatter across society, occasionally clumping together in the more alternative towns across the country. They can sometimes be found trying to live together in car-free, oil-free, herbivorous, rule-filled communities or communing at a vegan festival stall, eating chocolate cake.

Tassels and Red Paint

What guide would this be if you weren’t shown the ancient Art of Feng Shui? It influences door colour, product placement, shop fronts and where the toilets are located in most of Glastonbury’s shops.

Feng Shui is an ancient system for getting what you want, like stamping your feet or holding up a post office with a replica shot-gun except done nicely with the harmonising mystical skills of geomancy.