What guide would this be if you weren’t shown the ancient Art of Feng Shui? It influences door colour, product placement, shop fronts and where the toilets are located in most of Glastonbury’s shops.

Feng Shui is an ancient system for getting what you want, like stamping your feet or holding up a post office with a replica shot-gun except done nicely with the harmonising mystical skills of geomancy.

Chinese people six thousand years ago observed that life could be hard sometimes, what with monsoons, famines and early death. So with the desperation brought about by borderline starvation, they started to experiment, planting their rice and millet crops in different places until they grew better. After a while, they discovered that places with soil would grow better crops than places with more bare rock, like mountains. These soil-rich places became especially auspicious when combined with the added magic of nearby water and Feng Shui was born. Soon, places with lots of trees and rock-free clay were considered auspicious for building houses and digging graves while other sites with bigger, better trees, monks and a large peasant work force nearby were right energetically for building temples.

Feng Shui finally came of age when it was realised that it could be applied indoors. Pre- Feng Shui, although the houses luckily already had corners, the doors were not painted red, pictures of nuzzling lovebirds were often noticeably lacking and the polished metal mirrors and motorised table waterfalls that would soon grace auspicious walls and corners of discerning Chinese everywhere just cluttered up the floor. With a Kazaam!, that old Feng Shui worked its magic yet again, delivering hope for a brighter tomorrow with a much needed tidy up.

After only a hundred years of using Feng Shui, all across China, millions of people now lived a well-fed life of beauty and calm, uninterrupted by snowstorms, earthquakes, torrential rain, untimely death and anything unsettling at all. Energy flowed uninterrupted through all. Harmony had been achieved across the land with a careful appliance of Magic.

However, while the ancient Chinese basked in a Golden Age, the often circular accommodation of northern Europe’s suffering Neolithic population meant that Feng Shui didn’t really catch on there until millennia later. Even after the idea of building square cornered houses revolutionised European living, it would still have to wait for centuries out in the cold until the New Age was invented and Feng Shui finally found its Western home in Glastonbury.
Now every New Age believer can take advantage of this wonderful system. Relationships just work, money just appears and illness never happens. All thanks to the wonders of Feng Shui. It’s amazing.

If your child plays with their food, and you’ve already carefully placed food in the correct auspicious places on the plate, consider using Arnold Wang Plate Dividers® to make sure it stays where you put it. Used by Feng Shui family experts the world over, these food-grade plastic dividers retail at only $30 each. (Handling, postage and/or shipping charges apply.)

No more negativity. Divide and conquer with Arnold Wang.

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