For most of us, perfect health, spiritual enlightenment and manifesting money are the most obvious reasons to use crystals- it’s no wonder that every Glastonbury New Ager resonates so deeply with the shiny gems. But every now and again, even the purest of light-filled beings can find themselves betrayed by their still human bladder and are forced out of their sleep at three in the morning, desperate for a pee. For those people, here is a helpful guide.
Finding Your Way
For those times late at night when the bathroom light goes and you can’t find the toilet in the dark, save wear and tear on your torch batteries and plan ahead. Inset loads of small Lemurian seed crystals into the floor in two converging lines from the doorway to the loo like a landing strip.
This way, you will still be able to sense your way through the blackness by feeling the powerful crystal energy deep within each quartz, rhythmically pulsing its loving piezo-electrical signals to your heart chakra until you reach your destination and come to a complete stop. You will also find yourself intuitively knowing how to build perpetual motion machines and flying saucers, an added benefit coded into these special crystals for us by the Ancients, thousands of years ago.
Alternatively, try praying for guidance. This is a tried and tested technique all over the world.
Let the divine presence lead you effectively and unerringly all around the dark bathroom until your shin connects with the toilet. You will now be able to perform your necessary ablutions. If you stand up to pee, then don’t worry. Urine doesn’t stop being sacred at night. It’s all about direction and intent and having an absorbent bathmat. Allow the golden flow to spread its blessing where it will. Otherwise, take your time and sit. Be in the moment.
In 1996, Jade Starborn, a longtime Glastonbury Café Therapist discovered that crystals don’t just remove emotional and spiritual blockages. Three amethyst crystals, carefully placed in the toilet bowl will prevent all toilet blockages, even with the ancient plumbing found in many of the Glastonbury terraced houses. Amethysts will also keep the toilet clean, due to the purity of their energy, so you’ll never need to scrub or buy eco bleach.
While you sit, why not re-enact breaking into the Glastonbury Festival? It’s a night-time exploit after all. If you put your knees together, you can easily imagine that they are part of the perimeter fence. Actually, if you had your torch, you could move it around like a searchlight and see stuff. Maybe you should go and get it.
That weird doll loo-roll cover that your grandma knitted you could be a nasty Glaswegian security guard. And with two hundred and fifty entry tickets on that handy loo roll, you’re now so rich that you are choosing to break in just for the sheer thrill of it, which makes you look really cool. Don’t bother flushing, for that extra festival touch.
Later, the mirrored cabinet above the sink might have some drugs inside that you could sell.
When you finally make it back to bed, you’re going to be so exhausted that your sleep will be immediate and deep, allowing you to wake up fully rested and energised, ready to face Glastonbury high street with a jump in your step and that festival feeling in your soul.