Taking the Michael Line

First discovered by Alfred Watkins, a map, a pencil and a ruler, ley-lines started off as a very simple idea.

Alfred realised that if you drew a line on a map from a church, for example, to a high hill or stone circle, this would connect the two. Being that the shortest distance between two points is usually a straight line, he surmised that people might have travelled between those sticky-up landmarks in straight lines too, on what he called old straight tracks. Occasionally, three or four landmarks kind of roughly lined up, which proved Watkins theory to be true.

Over time, however, the lines began to assume another identity as well, as psychics became able to feel them as a magical energy. Somewhere down the line, a miracle had occurred. Soon, dowsers, fed up to the gills with only occasionally getting lucky with water got in on the act and went a bit crazy, finding lines everywhere they went. Due to their new-found energy sensitivity they also became especially susceptible to its sometimes overpowering effects and began having to wear protective positive tachyon emitting pendants while in the field. Even so, in the height of summer, the ley-line energy was still strong enough to melt chocolate and make any lunchtime sandwiches dry out and go stale.

It was then realised that sometimes the earth energy could go bad. In those instances, earth acupuncture was enlisted, banging tent pegs into special mystical nodes along the rotten, festering parts of the earth meridians. This worked a treat, helping to relieve the monotony and excruciating embarrassment of tromping up and down dangling crystals and waving bits of twig.

Glastonbury Tor is now the official lynchpin, the fulcrum, the middle point, the heart chakra of ley-line Britain. Level the Tor with enough explosive, it’s said, and the churches and high places all over the country will fall with it into meaninglessness. Many Glastonbury people believe that this makes the Tor a prime target for attacks by terrorists or the Illuminati, and so, for the last six years, at least three local shamans have been on duty at any one time, working deep within the spirit realms to prevent this shocking event from ever happening. Thanks to their efforts, the Tor has survived to this day, preserving the lifelines across our beautiful sacred country.

Due to the Tor’s special status, not just one, but two lines are said to run through it- the Mary and Michael lines.

The Michael line feels especially resonant to local, self-emasculating men’s groups, and many sweat lodges are erected up and down the sacred line. Inside each lodge, every full moon, men speak in gruff, bearded voices about how important hugging and hard-ons are.

Meanwhile, the Mary line feels nurturing towards the many sacred women groups, who also build their moon lodges up and down the line. However, they usually find themselves picketing outside the men’s groups’ sweat lodges, intent on exposing the typically oppressive, patriarchal, sexist, gentlemen’s club way of thinking that won’t allow women into the men-only space.
Woe-betide any group* holding a lodge meeting near the wrong line.

*Most Glastonbury men and women attend 1980’s style, gender-specific, wound-healing self-help groups in the belief that they are oppressed by the opposite sex, themselves, their parents or society in general. The groups assist in carefully nurturing and reinforcing these beliefs.

A story known as ‘ Ironing John’ still underpins most men’s groups and even now is considered to be the best wrinkle-free low temperature template for re-finding the true meaning of what it means to be…etc.

Avalonian women, due to their innate sacredness as wise creators of all life, don’t shave their legs and take every opportunity to fight against any other signs of the oppressive patriarchal sexist system that men use to subjugate…etc.


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