With early Christians mythically and historically tied to Glastonbury, as well as continuing to have a strong religious presence in the town, I feel justified in spending the rest of this post indulging in a brief exploration of God, Christianity and Judaism. I also want to pass on the incredible and righteous results of my biblical research.
Going vegan might well save your soul.
Back in Time
Using the mystical power of dodgy segue, we need to go back a few thousand years, back to when Glastonbury was nothing more than a lumpy old hill in the middle of a misty, wet no-where. Thousands of miles away, across many seas and mountains in sunny Judea, in between the wars and the begetting, normal, everyday Jewish folk were hard at work writing down their pre-alien Bronze-age tribal history of everything in the whole world ever. That history was miraculously destined to be the Word of God and provide the necessarily sturdy and free foundations on which to create the books needed by non-Jews to believe in Him too.
It is through a detailed examination of this historical document that we will discover the roots of veganism, the first diet ever to have been approved by the Lord God Himself. It’s all there in black and white, amidst the most wonderful literary out-pouring of sex, violence, eroticism, jealousy, genocide, incest and dodgy ethics the world has ever read.* It’s the only book you’ll ever need. Maybe we should invite those Jehovah’s Witnesses in every now and again, rather than heading off to the library.
So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, please be upstanding for the ancient history of veganism as told through Genesis, the first book of the Torah, otherwise known as the first book of the Old Testament.
*A rip-roaring read… a great sandal-filler for your nearest and dearest on Sol Invictus day.’ The Roman Times Weekly
‘As a primary source material for learning about the evils wrought by the Jewish demiurge, these scrolls are second to none.’ Marcionism Today
‘Inspired.’ Benjamin Zepp- Author of ‘Rolling With the Stone’
‘Truly biblical in scope.’ Bible Review Monthly
‘A disgraceful outpouring of anti-shellfish propaganda.’ The Journal of Shellfish
Genesis of the Vegans- A Potted Pre-history of Veganism.
“I GIVE YOU EVERY SEED-BEARING PLANT…AND EVERY TREE THAT HAS FRUIT WITH SEED IN IT. THEY WILL BE YOURS FOR FOOD.”©
Lo! After a lot of background work, on the sixth day, Jehovah creates veganism for his newly designed creation and sees that it is good. And we’re still only two pages in.
In His new world order, everyone and everything is vegan. Carnivorous plants and mosquitoes are profoundly happy just nibbling on flowers. Beagles have been made stupid enough to follow the scent of smelly rags instead of foxes. And at the pinnacle of all creation stands a meat-free man and his meat-free help-meet. It’s perfect. For a while.
By the third page, it’s somehow all gone wrong.
Poor Adam and Eve. A few bites of an un-kosher fruit and paradise starts unravelling around them. Little mites. Left alone, unsupervised for days on end… father mostly absent, mother no-where to be seen… never given any sense of right and wrong…. It would be easy to get caught up in blaming and pointing fingers, but the Lord in His infinite, unimpeachable wisdom is able thankfully to cut straight through to the heart of the matter.
He evicts them immediately from the only home they’ve ever known and to make sure their disobedience will never be repeated, curses their future with grief, loads of pain, death, children and thistles. It’s the harsh, tough, desert kind of love that doesn’t hug.
To show that there’s been no lasting hard feelings on His part, Jehovah then produces two sheepskin coats He’s secretly made for them. Or sheepskin skirts with matching capes. Sumarian fashion and Bible translation are split on this point. But verily, either way, He is a skilled, dextrous seamstress of a God.
Exhibiting an impressive restraint, Adam and Eve never complain about how the clothes chafe.
They also keep rigidly to their vegan diet, from the first moments in the garden to their forced exit and all the way down through the long centuries of their lives. So too do their incestuous, inbred kids and their kids’ kids et cetera, and on and on until we come to Noah.
Noah and Other Animals
Noah, at six hundred and a bit years old, is asked by the Almighty Jehovah to round up seven clean, or two dirty representatives of each of the world’s forty five thousand different kinds of animals, like blue whales and gerbils, as well as two each of the ten million different types of insects and dinosaurs and unicorns and basilisks and Australopithecines, and cram them all into a big boat. This he achieves in record time with a little help from his family. It then rains and rains and the ground leaks and the waters begin to rise and rise until finally the entire world is lost under a sea five and a half miles deep. Somehow only Noah and his floating zoo survive. Everyone and everything else is drowned, dead and gone. Ducks, fish, dolphins, other people with boats, everything.
Eventually, after the Ark has been bobbing about aimlessly about for weeks on end, Jehovah, who has by now, clean forgotten about Noah and the remnants of His earthly creation, suddenly remembers and with a slap of His mighty forehead, turns off the taps. Chewing upon His almighty lip, He then also remembers that He completely forgot to tell Noah to save the seed-bearing plants and fruit trees that all life was surviving on.
The next year, when the waters have subsided and all the remaining creatures have crawled, wriggled, flown, hopped, flopped and walked back to try and survive and interbreed in their now destroyed environments, (koalas to Australia… guinea pigs to South America…), God decides to reward Noah and his family for a job well done with a rainbow and by finally letting them eat the remnants of His creation that Noah just saved. Great.
And that, apart from a brief dalliance with the vegan diet eight hundred pages later by the prophet Daniel and some of his mates, is the pre-history of veganism.
Let’s come up to date. Six thousand years after the world’s inception, the End Times© are once more upon us and with the Messiah still expected imminently any moment now, time is running out for us here on earth. We want to be ready when that final trumpet sounds. What should we do?
Firstly, for the believers, assuming that you haven’t just spent a lifetime bowing and abasing yourselves to the wrong Omni-presence, then great. You don’t have to worry. The years of faithful following will have finally paid off handsomely. You’ll be home and dry, made anew.
On the flip side, though, you’ll also have an infinity to hear the screams of the billions of tortured souls who didn’t make it. Some will have been damned for coveting their neighbour’s ox or slave, others for liking Darwin too much, or swearing. And then there’s the surprised souls finding themselves still existing and in endless pain after a lifetime of unbelieving laughter.
The Heretic’s Guide, uncomfortable with pain and magnanimous to the end, feels a spiritual duty to find a way for everyone to prepare for the inevitable and have a chance at living forever in Jehovah’s magic garden. Unbelievers, Satanists, Cargo cultists, everyone- not just the chosen people.
After studying secret texts, passed down through the Maccabean blood-line, THG can now offer a cheap shot at redemption for everyone about to suffer the indignity of an infinity of Jim Davidson*.
*Jim Davidson is a white English comedian.
Plan A stands for Plan Ahead. After Judgement Day©, anyone who’s managed to get into Jehovah’s new Eden will be expected to be vegan forever. So vegan or not, reading this book will at least give you enough of an idea to be able to fake it if you have to when the time comes. This will be your get out of hell free card, an anaesthetic-free sin bypass, a back-door key. There’s a good chance that He’ll be so flattered you read the small print that you’ll be let in, no further questions. In case this doesn’t quite do it, also make sure to learn some Old Testament styled vegan recipes so that when Hell is a looming possibility, your conversation with God can go a little like this.
God. “…YOU… YES YOU… VERY DISAPPOINTED… VENGEFUL BRUTAL PAIN FOR EVER…”
You. “Ah yes, but have you ever tried a vegan manna and pomegranate compote / a truffle oil and ginger manna vegan soufflé with baby figs and angel-hair / a freshly juiced triple vegan manna delight?”
God. “HMMM. I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY. THAT DOES SOUND RATHER NICE…”
Bingo! It’s as easy as that.
But what if that still doesn’t work, I hear you cry? Well, tragically for some it won’t, and I’m afraid all is lost. But before you descend into burning hell-fire to gnash your teeth and have your skin repeatedly flayed from your body in an eternity of agony, there’s just enough time for Plan B.
Why not start your death off in style and partake of a little Jehovah God-baiting? You’re going to hell now anyway so what have you got to lose? Besides, what’s the worst He’s going to do? Smite you a bit harder? Double up your eternity of agony?
So, after some careful research, just for fun, here’s a few little somethings for your final seconds, guaranteed to get His goat.
1) Bring a basket of fruit with you just in case, so if it all goes tits up, you can offer it up to Him as a sacrifice. A seemingly innocuous and Harvest festival thing to do, you might think, but oh no. God really hates it. Just ask Cain, the poor lad. Basically, if a sacrifice doesn’t bleat, coo, moo or commend up its spirit, then it’s wrong, bad and sinful in the eyes of God and you must be punished. It’s up with those big no-nos like worshipping false idols and loving Satan. Maybe He’s got a serious fruit allergy, or fruit weaken His power or something, like Kryptonite.
2) Break some commandments. Try worshipping an angel or making an idol from its shiny halo. Covet Jehovah’s mansion with its many rooms.
3) Or, my personal favourite, you could still refuse to believe in Him, despite all the evidence finally to the contrary. This takes real hutsbah to pull off but definitely worth the effort. Clinging doggedly to an untenable position shouldn’t be the sole province of the religiously inspired. It has a certain dignity. Actually, God rather respects it, so it could go either way.
The point is that you should make your damnation count for something. This is the last chance for glorious rebellion you’ll ever get. It might even gain you some valuable kudos for when you’re Down There. Plan ahead.
You could always gain a few extra seconds before the horror starts by throwing left over fruit at Jim Davidson and the advancing hell-spawn.