Reiki-ing It In

Reiki is an energy channelling technique designed to give the middle classes an extra income. True, it has been alleged that hovering outstretched hands over someone’s body for an hour creates an almost imperceptible draft, a discernable lightening of the wallet and not much else, but this is just a very cynical, very wrong, foolish, wrong, foolishly wrong and cynical view.*

It has proved to be so popular in Glastonbury that an Über-Reiki Master now lives there permanently. His main task is to provide hands-on care and ministry to those damaged by the destructive energy loop created whenever new Level 1 Reiki practitioners accidentally touch. This can happen anywhere, perhaps when handing over change in a shop, or thoughtlessly hugging another practitioner friend goodbye. The practitioner must be constantly aware and vigilant of themselves and everyone around them at all times until they have learned to control their great power with Reiki 2 and become Masters. It cannot be emphasized enough that with these superhuman powers come superhuman responsibilities.

Practitioners must not fall in love with each other or build anything but platonic friendships, lest the love energy overload the surfeit of cosmic juice already in flux. In 1921, an illicit love affair in Kyoto, Japan, sparked a chain reaction, leaving many Reiki 1 students with paralysed hands, unable to ever channel Reiki again. A tragedy, and one that must never be repeated.

*Because the outstretched arms of a Reiki Master and a zombie flesh-eater can look identical to the untrained eye, here are some hints to decide which is which.

Firstly, take a quick look at the clothes being worn. Reiki Masters tend not to allow their quite expensive clothes to get blood-soaked or dirtied by offal of any sort. Zombies on the other hand have stopped caring about anything but the pursuit of human flesh so will usually look a bit frumpy and unkempt.
Secondly, if you can get close enough, take a look at the eyes. If they’re rolled back in the head, run. If they’re closed, then you may now approach, although with caution.

So far there have been no reports of a Reiki Master turning zombie. This would be a worrying development.


The Human Capacitor

If you are meant by the universe to learn Reiki, then money will manifest and you will be able to book a flight to Hawaii to learn the techniques. Even the lower middle classes, unable to scrape together a lot of money very quickly, shouldn’t be put off. Poverty consciousness might control your every waking hour, but as soon as you start believing that you truly deserve the abundance of Reiki, then a miracle will happen and you’ll find yourself getting a loan. Before you know it, you’ll be looking down on Mauna Loa, about to land and learn Reiki like everyone else. Money, after all, is just energy in another form and the initial expenditure of taking the course can be offset against the cast iron monetary returns to be made from those needy souls unlikely to embrace full energy and train in Reiki themselves. Perfect.

After buying into the highest levels of super-energised Level 3 Masterships, energy can be focused with the precision and destructive force of a laser, but even the most lowly of first level practitioners can channel a few watts of power- enough to psychically charge up a mobile phone or give someone a shock.

In the every day life of a person re-born in Reiki, the relationship to food is one of the more interesting outward signs of their conversion into a human capacitor.
When sat with a plateful of food, the fledgling Master is taught to hold and re-energise the auric food ghost before eating, like a psychic microwave oven. Eventually, he or she will be unable to eat any meal until the necessary energy transfer has been performed, preferring to starve rather than eat energy-poor food.
For fun, any suspected practitioner seen eating out in a café or restaurant should be surreptitiously filmed to put up on YouTube.

The top Masters often consider themselves such a pure vessel of energy, that food becomes quite unnecessary, other than for pure pleasure. The smell of freshly energised bread, straight out of a pair of hot hands, coupled with an occasional lick of ice-cream from a young student’s stomach can put the heightened and refined senses of a Grand Master into paroxysms of delight for weeks.

When Reiki Goes Bad

The technique of filling food with life energy is an essential part of Reiki 1 or Level 1 Reiki, depending where on Hawaii you learn it. It is a deceptively simple process to learn. But attuning and ascending to prime energy consciousness can have a deleterious effect on course participants if they have any secret doubts about Reiki. Doubts may prevent the teachings from being fully absorbed, leaving an individual vulnerable to channelling energy for free, or setting up their own Diploma courses without registering a trademark*.

It is extremely rare but also possible for students to have a completely negative reaction to the energy flooding their systems. Tragically, instead of focussing universal energy into their food in the proper way, those with severe energy damage find themselves unable to resist an urge to Reiki into other peoples’ food instead. This they may do loudly, and in public. No-one understands why this should happen and so far there has been no cure. The less severely affected may still have a need to hover uncomfortably outside fast-food takeaways once or twice a week, or find themselves privately obsessing about energetically touching farm animals or cabbages.

The damage may manifest in other ways too, some spending months locked into a state of Reiki-induced trauma, unable to move, all too aware that everything is food to something, over-whelmed by the enormity of the task of beginning Food Reiki that they can never complete.

These damaged Potentials need our understanding and tolerance, not fear and exclusion orders. People with other socially unacceptable disorders like excessive sarcasm or being tall have finally become accepted, fun to be around and very, very cool. So too should our friends with Reiki Extreme Tachyon Channelling Hypertension.


*As one of the Reiki Ancients has channelled- “Many crisps, many flavours, one potato.”

Years ago you could only get one sort of Reiki. Now there are spiritual supermarket aisle amounts of different mass produced and artisan hand-crafted Reiki, in every taste and style you can think of. New ones are created every day, from Atlantis and Lavender Flame Reiki to Seichim and Inner Sun Reiki. Why not have a go at coming up with your own combination?


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